Ask any of my friends anything about me dating and they will simply reply ‘she doesn’t’. Why? Well, usually I’ll say ‘I hate the apps’ or ‘I don’t have the time’ or some excuse that isn’t really an excuse. When in reality, I am TERRIFIED.
I am a clumsy train wreck and I know for a fact that I would be so nervous on a blind date that my hands would be shaking to the point where they may have to ask if they need to call an ambulance as I appear to be having a seizure.
Why am I like this? Good question. I think I am so concerned for it all to go well and smooth that I get all up in my head and ruin it for myself before I’ve even left my front door.
So, I set out to ask the question of:
What is the worst date you have ever been on?
I am thoroughly glad I did after reading the below as I don’t think I can be any worse than any of these experiences (christ, I hope not anyway).
The below are anonymous entries from both girls and guys from close friends to my wider social media network and have been edited for clarity.
When Alcohol Comes to Play
“I got ridiculously drunk and wouldn’t stop talking about eggs on a first date.”
“I brought her back to mine and she was sick all over my bed.”
Forward for the First Date
“They asked if there is anything I wouldn’t do in bed, told me they didn’t like having a finger up their bum and told me I needed to watch more porn, I downed my margarita and made my excuses to leave.”
“The one who asked me how many people I’d slept with, when the last time I had sex was and how it came about.”
“They started writing poetry about me pretty much the second I sat down. I’m the joke though – I went back for a second date.”
“I had a guy who said ‘Let’s not waste our time getting a drink’ and tried to take me immediately back to his without going on a date.”
When they are Just Plain Rude
“We organised a breakfast date – but they didn’t order any food because they were meeting their friend for lunch in an hour. They sat on the same side of the table as me, didn’t ask a single question about me and spent the whole time looking and talking about cars that were driving past.”
“She sat on her phone the whole time, talked about herself and whenever I discussed something about me, she would nod, ignore everything I just said and start talking about herself again.”
“Being left in a bar by myself for thirty minutes while he dealt with his sisters teenage crisis for thirty minutes.”
Dodged a Bullet
“My worst date was the guy who announced he’d been in prison for GBH (Grievous Bodily Harm), and wasn’t even sorry about it. “
“The ‘I’m a swinger and just got out of prison’ was a highlight”
“They said to me ‘you smell better when you are awake’ on the first date.”
“We met at a bar and they suggested heading to another one where I proceeded to meet all of their friends. Then, they went to the bathroom and when they came back I asked if they had a nice pee, and they said they didn’t go for a pee, so I said oooh did you have a poo? And they responded with ‘Nah I was snorting lines'”
“They took me to a bar that their ex worked at claiming they had no idea and to top it all off the ex made us cocktails with almonds in them and I had an allergic reaction.”
“A few months ago I went on a second date with a guy who took me to a ball/charity dinner. I still didn’t know him very well, but he said he needed a date so I went anyway. When we got there his whole family (mum, dad, brothers etc) were on the same table as us and he didn’t introduce me to anyone. When I introduced myself and said oh I’m here with ‘Jack’ he said ‘You’re not here with me? I don’t know you'”
Catfishing is Real People
“She was so fit on Hinge, turned up and it didn’t even look like her. Was catfished so bad I had to call my friends and ask them to create an emergency so I could leave.”
“Another guy actually looked nothing like his pictures, had two awkward drinks with me, chat was shit, said he had to leave to feed his neighbours cat, but then bizarrely snogged me (it was gross).”
“One guy as he walked towards me I hoped he was further away as by the time he got to me he was 5ft tall.”
“They were cute, clever and confident – they turned around to go to the bathroom and their back was SO hairy. I told them I had to get home for ‘my Ocado Order'”
“I was catfished big time, to the point where they had to describe what they were wearing in order for me to find them in the bar. Not only was I catfished by their looks but also their height. They had claimed they were 5’7 which would have been ideal given I’m 5’10, turns out they were 6’1 – it looked like Gandalf had taken Bilbo Baggins for a pint down the Shire.”
“I went on a drive with a guy on Anzac Day and we got a puncture about 3 hours outside of Sydney, the only tow truck we could get was another 1.5 hours away and because it was a public holiday no garage was open to fix the wheel. I was put up in a hotel almost 5 hours away from Sydney with a guy I just met.”
“The ‘I don’t drink and need to be in bed by 10’ was a beaut.”
“The date I went on where he talked about Tesco meal deals in the first fifteen minutes, we were not aligned in our choices. Ready Salted Walkers = ya boring.”
“We went on a date, they were hot and from Spain. I then went out with a big group and the twelve of us walked into a restaurant only to discover they were on another date at the table beside me – horrific – they turned their whole body away from us, paid for the meal and went round the back of the restaurant to leave.”
“They asked if I liked Game of Thrones, I said yes. It was great that we had shared interests, but I didn’t need to dissect the whole of series seven over dinner.”
“Went on a date with a girl which I thought went really well, I then received a text, clearly meant for her friend, describing in excruciating detail why she wasn’t into me and hated the date.”
My Two Favourite
“Let me clarify, not only were they SMALL, like really SMALL they were also incredibly boring. We had been drinking for 4 1/2 hours – I was drunk – then they offered to order some food, I said great while you go up to the bar to order I’ll go to the loo.
I didn’t go to the loo – I just left.
Then, I end up walking around for an HOUR in the rain looking for my car, I headed down some random street and ended up WALKING PAST THE DATE, they completely ignored me and we walked past each other – equally as soaking wet.
Three years later I get a message from someone on a dating app saying they recognise me and ask if I used to live in London and had we been on a date together? I then look them up on Instagram and realise the only reason I couldn’t recognise them on the dating app is because it only showed their face, I couldn’t tell how SMALL they were. It was the date, so I blocked them.”
“We went out for drinks and we ordered an Uber to go home, he was walking in front of me across a bridge and he turns back to look at me and I was trying to be all sexy so I flashed my boobs, so he was walking forward but looking back – HE GOT RUN OVER BY THE UBER. I had somehow STUBBED my toe in the Uber, we went back to his house and my toe was bleeding so badly but I was too scared to tell him my nail had fell off – but he had Egyptian White Silk beautiful sheets and there was blood everywhere and he was like WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.”
Thank you to everyone who shared their dating stories with me!
Do you have a terrible first date you would like to share?
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