I Wrote Your Horoscope For This Week, You Are Welcome

Horoscopes are stupid, so here’s my take on them.

With a little help from ELLE.


19th – March 20th

“The wise, future-oriented planet (Saturn) wants to ensure that the people you spend the most time with and share your best stuff with are actually worth your time.”


An orbiting dead ball of rock has some big opinions on your friends, in fact this piece of floating gas thinks you should sack your friends off.

Seems legit.


January 20 – February 18

“This is a perfect time to get into (or back into) traditional therapy, or maybe work with a hypnotherapist or shamanic healer who can facilitate the process for you.”


You should spend lots of money on someone who is probably going to tell you to stop listening to your bloody horoscope to make decisions for you. You should also head to a shamanic leader because the word ‘shamanic’ is f*cking hilarious and because apparently they are the human version of a ouija board.

Seems legit.


December 22 – January 19

“Hang on till Thursday, when the Sun blazes into Taurus, igniting your fifth house of amour and glamour. Fill your calendar with parties and dinners and any activity that holds out the promise of FUN. Love is the air, and you want to be ready for it when it comes your way.” 


The suns a’burnin as per and apparently you have as many as five houses for it to pick from to light on fire (you are obv not a millennial), but that’s fine cause you are feeling G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S. You are totes going to have a one night stand this weekend, the sun says so.

Seems legit.


November 22 – December 21

“First she locks horns with your ruler, expansive Jupiter, which is parked in your introspective twelfth house. “Someone” may have been relying too heavily on you lately because of your generous nature. But they might take it a step too far, causing you to overreact.” 


I’m sorry who’s locking WHAT with WHO. Looks like another ball of floating dead rock has blocked your driveway – tough luck. But that’s fine, your star sign has just told you to have a hissy fit cause it’s due this week.

Seems legit.


October 23 – November 21

“Keep your guard up, and don’t let any energy vampires sneak through the cracks. This becomes even more important—and you’ll feel it more intensely—on Sunday, when your co-ruler Pluto follows suit (in the same house) until September 30.”


God dammit watch out for those ENERGY VAMPIRES, ahahahahahahahahahahaha. A piece of floating dead rock, which is no longer a planet, but a dwarf planet, because…NASA, decides that specifically on Sunday the vampires are GONNA GET YA.

I mean look, Scorpio, if your weekend isn’t filled with dwarfs and vampires, you’re doing life wrong.

Seems legit.


September 23 – October 22

“Also on Tuesday, Venus is making some waves of her own in Taurus and your erotic, intimate eighth house. First she forms an opposition with no-limits Jupiter in fanatic Scorpio. A simmering attraction could flame up like a wildfire, and you might not be able to halt things once they get started. “


SPECIFICALLY TUESDAY, Venus who is apparently a female floating piece of dead rock is in your erotic AND intimate house (because one of those words was not enough of a description). Then there are a bunch of other descriptive no sense words and THEN my dear Libra, YOU GONNA GET IT ON THIS WEEKEND (wear a condom, you never know with all that wildfire).

Seems legit.


August 23 – September 22

“Wanderlust erupts, so look into travel possibilities during this four-week phase; the farther from home, the better. If you can get away—for a quickie or a longie—start researching deals on flights and destinations. “


Apparently, if you are a Virgo, you should be going on a holiday filled with sexual innuendos.

I don’t think I have ever heard anyone say ‘quickie or longie’ when it comes to holidays. Also, should we check on wanderlust? Should it be erupting?

Seems legit.


July 23 – August 22

“If you’ve still got a few biggies on the to-do list, throw yourself into them. But first, do things the “Taurus” way and map out a practical plan that you can follow step by step to the finish line.”


Honestly this quotation is so boring I don’t want to translate it.

Sorry Leo’s, enjoy your to-do lists.


June 21 – July 22

“Since Saturn is sometimes referred to as the “personal trainer planet,” you can think of his reversal here as getting you to work some muscles that have gone slack. Yeah, you’ll feel the burn, but if you do your work, by the end of the cycle, you’ll be in a whole different place. “


No one refers to Saturn as the ‘personal trainer planet’ or as a ‘he’, because it is a floating piece of rock. However, you have to listen to this piece of rock because you know, horoscopes, and you will of course be a different person, because why wouldn’t you be? Right? RIGHT?

Seems legit.


May 21 – June 20

 “Later this week, on Sunday, penetrating Pluto also swings into reverse in the same zone, and will backpedal until September 30. This will intensify Saturn’s mission—so consider yourself on notice! This can give the nudge you need to clarify any and all terms of engagement.”


‘Penetrating Pluto’ alliteration AND an innuendo, honestly what would we do without horoscopes? So apparently the dwarf planet is heading towards September making another floating rock make me feel like I’m (I’m a Gemini) on notice ( what the hell does that mean).

Whatever, my planets are boring me, where have the vampires gone?

Seems legit.


April 20 – May 20

“While you’re taking inventory on Tuesday, you might care to check in on a couple other matters as well. Your ruling planet, idealistic Venus, forms two major aspects, turning your mind to your money and relationships—both hugely important issues to you!”


Who the f*ck takes inventory? Taurus are you for real? Remind me to avoid Taurus’s on Tuesday.

You are going to be thinking of money and relationships because they are important to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your horoscope is telling you, that you are going to be thinking about something that you already think about every day anyway, because horoscopes don’t get it wrong.

Seems legit.


March 21 – April 19

“It’s easy for your enthusiastic sign to get swept away by the excitement of a new project, but the skies on Tuesday, April 17 offer practical advice for an even smarter path to success. “



Feels like when someone puts a damper on your super fun idea. Classic horoscopes, spoiling the fun.

Seems legit.

I don’t think you understand the fact that I had no idea how many star signs there were or how long this took me.

Bloody loved it though. Which one are you?

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