I am not an experienced ‘dater’, but I do have common sense when it comes to etiquette, and as much as I love and adore food I have an irrational fear of eating in front of someone I have just met.
I am not a ‘good’ eater, what does this mean? Well, let’s just say I can’t wear white when eating spaghetti, or any form of food for that matter. I have only just started to trust myself with red wine….and that took a while.
So, here are some food options which I would in no way shape or form eat in front of a future prospect, as I don’t want to remind them of Jurassic Park during a lovely dinner.
The obvious one…
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Chicken wings – I love and adore chicken wings.
But, I put these in the same realm as farting, if you are comfortable enough to do this in front of your partner then you are comfortable enough to preview your saucy fingers, face and let’s face it probably your nose too.
No one can eat chicken wings gracefully, no one.
The stressful one…
Pizza, the eighth wonder of the world, so delicious in so many forms.
What can go wrong with pizza? Well, let me tell you.
You bite into it and half the toppings fall off, the sauce comes slipping off and you’ve burned the roof of your mouth because you couldn’t look at it sitting there in front of you any longer.
The cheese gets stuck to your mouth as if Spiderman attempted to climb into it, connecting you to the slice in your hand.
Your decision on toppings causes judgement – YOU GET PINEAPPLE UCH (pineapple is great, we would never work)
Do you fold it in half? Do you cut it into tiny little pieces? Do you get a dip for the crusts? DO YOU EAT THE CRUSTS.
I’m having heart palpitations thinking about it.
The delicious one…
Tacos, just one look and you can already feel the contents running down your hand.
You are my delicious, delicious enemy.
That mouthwatering shredded pork, spicy salsa and guac.
That perfectly cooked beef with coriander.
That fresh shrimp with a kick of chilli.
Actually you know what f*ck the date, I’m being single forever.
The slurpy one…
Spaghetti, with tomato sauce.
Not only easy to get all over yourself, dye your clothes and hate yourself forever but also incredibly hard to eat.
Spin it round in your spoon with your fork and shove way too much in your mouth because you spun too much? (Yet to perfect this)
Kind of spin it around with your fork but you still have some loose ends so you end up slurping it up and quite possibly getting it all over your chin. (Have perfected this)
Cutting it up into little pieces so that it resembles the Heinz spaghetti and sausages? (I refuse to do this)
Tell you what, Lady & The Tramp are big fat liars, that is not a romantic situation that’s a stain waiting to happen.
YES I KNOW THEY ARE DOGS.
The heartwarming one…
Noodles – same problems as spaghetti, just with chopsticks.
The ‘anything could go wrong’ one…
Burgers, first of all – why are you eating a burger on a date?
Secondly of all, when you pick it up all of the toppings fall out like they are trying to escape your grasp.
Thirdly, depending on the burger, you will have to dislocate your jaw to fit your mouth around it, which as a boa constrictor sounds very attractive but as a human being you probably don’t want to show every tooth in your mouth before you find out their favourite movies.
Fourthly, (I’m feeling this counting thing), are you one of those people who takes the bun off? Or in fact, asks for without a bun? Seeing a burger naked is like seeing Daffy Duck with trousers on, wrong.
The unsafe one…
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Chocolate, texting your friends:
“OMG, they brought me some chocolate how sweet!”
Until of course you eat one to be polite and end up with the hillbilly movie character tooth of death.
That image will be burned in their mind forever and you will curl into the fetus position as soon as you get home.
These are my completely irrational food fears when it comes to first dates, of course if someone likes you it should be for who you are, particularly if you have spaghetti on your chin or buffalo sauce on your new white shirt.
Do you have any irrational food fears?
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